04.02.03

Total so far: $2,821,000,000
Goal: $5,000,000,000
Donors: 139 + act of congress

The U.S. Office of Homeland Security, in a major reversal of stated policy, has declared science fiction to be an industry vital to the war effort, and has nationalized The Infinite Matrix website.

Effective immediately, the website will contain 50% more upbeat stories with happy endings that educate the reader in the benefits of capitalism. Bruce Sterling will be encouraged to think good thoughts about the military-industrial complex, and Michael Swanwick will be weaned from his unhealthy obsession with Francisco Goya. An effort will be made to secure and remove words of French origin, and champagne will no longer be served at the Infinite Matrix commissary.

The former editor and publisher of the magazine, Eileen Gunn, will assume a new title, Commissar of Homeland Sci-Fi, and will be charged with a swift transition to the new, patriotic look and feel. A budget of 6.2 billion dollars has been made available to effect these changes.

Speaking of the challenges ahead for the publication, Ms. Gunn said, "Fortunately for us, David Langford, although Welsh, is a long-time resident of a Coalition partner — I'm sure that he will find ample material for The Runcible Ansible within the newly defined constraints. However, I have no idea what we'll do about Richard Kadrey: my people are working on this problem as we speak."

This is the beginning of an industry-wide program by the United States government to make more efficient use of the resources that science fiction offers. "We've observed some of the online forums connected with science fiction," said U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge, "and we can safely say that the wheels spinning there, if properly connected to the power grid, could generate as much usable energy as the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge." Asked if he anticipated protests connected with the nationalization of these resources, the secretary dismissed any such concerns. "We're not talking about cute little animals here. You ever seen a science fiction writer?"

April Fool — Eileen

Eileen Gunn is the editor and publisher of The Infinite Matrix. She also writes short stories, two of which have been nominated for the Hugo award. Her cryptic and hard-to-navigate personal site, Imaginary Friends, was a Cool Site of the Day way back in 1997.